Mars Attack

The pigeon has come home to roost. This is not just any ordinary pigeon, it has been carefully genetically engineered. With a larynx from a parrot and stem cells from the brain of an elephant this bird has a remarkable ability. When fed marigolds petals it will remember all the sounds that it hears. Then when feed avocado, this amazing animal will faithfully reconstruct those sounds. This bird has been named Edison.

The pigeon had been carefully ensconced in an ancient cuckoo clock in an elaborate old pile of a palace located on the north side of Market Square in Helsinki. The room and cuckoo clock were carefully examined by multiple security services for electronic devices, or bugs. None were found, for this was a bird. The stage was set, and the pigeon heard it all.

All the world wants to know, and the pigeon finally returned. It’s time to get out the guacamole. We anxiously awaited the Edison recording. Now here it is, faithfully transcribed from the parrots larynx in a pigeons beak.


“Who you think I am? Bernie Sanders? I asked for the lost Hillary emails, not something that from the DNC that raised Bernie’s blood pressure. You trying to give an old man a heart attack?

Aye, we just humbly do what we can do. Your media doesn’t like like you, we have nothing to do with that. You stew in your own doing.

My people do like me. I am the most popular Republican president. So what makes YOU so popular in your country?

Because I am like your Kennedy, starting as a simple thug with simple ambition. Then acquiring wealth while rising up through the mob, I started buying legitimacy. Now I depend on brutal honesty.

Honesty? Wow, I like the way you think. How do you deal with the Press? They seem not to like honesty. You are right, they do not like me.

In my country, they say what they want to say, and I do what I want. It is that simple. Your problem is that your an outsider, and they have the power of the insider. You need the power of an insider.

How do I do that? I do know how to listen.

That’s your problem, we chat as friends.

So what do you want?

Prosperity and world peace.

On what terms? We might as well negotiate.

(The sounds of papers)

This here, here and here. Minimum of $90.

Nope, maybe and OK. Well see.

So how do I know that you will keep your end of the deal?

I will get it though Congress, I and the country want it to happen.

Your intelligence service is working against you. They prefer conflict.

Can you prove that?

Only to a limited extent, talk to General Xi.

I have, he is stereotypically inscrutable, though he was willing to turn the screws on Kim. So I must ask would you turn the screws on Hassan?

I mentioned my price earlier, he and your O’Botard turned the screws on me when they dropped the price, they cut out everyone. I don’t forget.

So we got to stay over 90.

Should be easy, That genius Maduro should make it easy for us.

Looks like we have a plan, you like winning.

We all like winning.

Everyone is a winner with my plan.

You sound like a socialist!

No, I am not Bernie. My I mind you that I don’t like to repeat myself.

I don’t care if you win or lose, I will profit either way. I suspect you repeat yourself when it comes to winning.

You get my point.

I’m waiting to see how you handle your media friends.

You know that when I get tired of watching Fox, I switch on RT.

I consider that a compliment, thank you. There is something to be said for advertising free TV. Beholden to no one, that is something that you don’t find on your American TV, it enables free speech.

I don’t tell anyone though, because you are right about our media… Do you know that Musk guy who is building a place on Mars.

Yah, the Tesla guy.

Like me he just makes people’s heads explode. I just do it better.

You colluded with that Tesla guy from Mars to get his death Ray, and your plan is to achieve peace on earth is by making people’s heads explode?”

Oh I don’t make people’s heads explode, they are self triggered. They spontaneously combust.

Why do you think that is? I find it fascinating that you cause your enemies to self immolliate. You have my full attention.

It’s the truth, when you live in a world of lies the truth is explosive.

As I was saying earlier..


At that point Edison the pigeon gave a distinct wink, then a nod, and said “Watch This”


And there you have a Edison recording of the secret Tesla death ray.




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